2025: life from a second year on the road

Life is crazy. If you asked me two years ago if I ever thought I would still be on the road, my answer would’ve been something like a definitive no. Or maybe something like a “well that would be nice, but there’s no way”. Well, apparently, there was a way.

Every phase of the last two years of this unexpected life on the road, has come with its own lessons. But one that I’ve learned over and over, is this: to expect the unexpected. It sounds simple, maybe even cliché, but it’s something I’ve found to be entirely true. You can walk into a cafe, bar, or be sitting somewhere alone with no intention of anything at all, and someone can walk through the door that will change the course of your life. It’s happened to me not once, not twice, but countless times, and it’s ultimately led me to be where I am now.

And so perhaps the beauty of this lesson, and something that I try to remind myself of often, is to embrace the adventure, the open road. It’s kind of a beautiful realization in life: knowing that anything can happen. Especially in times of hardship, knowing that a difficult moment, a tough situation, a place that just doesn’t hit, or people that don’t bring you peace, anything can change, at the drop of a hat. And it segues into my other biggest learning of the last two years.

The idea of letting go. Letting go of expectations, to things, to people, to situations, that are out of my control. To not become so deeply attached to things, to people, that were never mine to attach to. To let things pass.

I used to feel so strongly about having a sense of agency. That we can make whatever want happen, happen. And while I still do believe this deeply, I have now also learned the flipside: surrender. The idea of impermanence, the necessity of letting things go and letting them be. Loosening our grip. Not needing outcomes and people to be a certain way.

I don’t know exactly why I’m writing this, except that this year left a weight of thoughts and feelings that I finally wanted to move from mind to paper. Something to read back on one day. And maybe somehow, in some small way, to one day inspire someone to embrace the world in the same way - with heart and arms wide open. That despite the ups and downs, or rather, in honor of the ups and downs, to live life fearlessly, knowing that every bump along the way is a learning, an experience, an adventure. To live life to their fullest joys and sorrows, chasing their dreams, embracing the depths, beauty, and the unknown.

I’ve learned that as you go through life, especially on the road, it’s easy to avoid stillness, to never fully sit with yourself. And I think this is so important - taking the time to pause, reflect, and truly be still with yourself. But I’ve learned it doesn’t just happen, you have to be intentional. And finally, after a few months of being on the road, I feel like I’m finally allowing myself this time.

Reflecting on the last two years brings such depth of feeling into my chest. I can feel it all when I choose to relive it.

The first year felt like pure openness. I was so indescribably happy, open, and excited to be on the road. Just grateful for all of it. It was a long-time dream come true, to go and see and do, wherever the wind blew me, a full embrace of the open road. I was deeply receptive to everything around me - new places, new love, new possibilities.

The second year was different. Honestly, it was hard.

I ended the first year with a breakup from someone who had become my home for four months. We met while traveling in Indonesia and continued to travel together for four months. It was another dream come true, having a travel and adventure buddy who wanted to experience life and the world in the same way as me. While the relationship wasn’t something that was meant to last, when you travel with someone like that for what feels like so long, they become your home. And when it ended, I didn’t just grieve losing this person, but I felt like I lost my sense of purpose and grounding. I had a deep sense of feeling lost, like I wasn’t sure what I was doing, where I was going, or why I was doing it, anymore.

I didn’t realize it at the time, but much of the hardship from the second year stemmed from this lack of grounding, and subsequently became about trying to find it again. It was through the experiences this year, that I learned about the necessity of letting go of expectations, and that these deeply held expectations and attachment, have been at the source of my suffering all along.

January - March 2025: Attaching too strongly to what was never mine to hold onto

After 4 months of traveling together, my ex, Max, and I parted ways just after New Years in Taiwan. Though it was never meant to become a real relationship, I felt like I was losing my best friend, home, and main safety and support system abroad. So much happens abroad, and having shared all of those experiences with someone, it really felt like he had become my home. We embraced so many twists and turns of adventure together, sharing the exact same sense of travel – not needing a plan, looking for local experiences, and just turning up and just seeing what we would find. Somehow after we split, I didn’t feel like doing it on my own anymore. In fact, I didn’t really know what I felt like doing anymore.

After we parted ways, I landed in a tiny countryside town of Taiwan called Dulan, a beautiful spot nestled between the sea and the mountains. A perfect place for me to slow down, process, and take the time for myself that I had desperately needed.

A few days later, I was sitting in the first floor cafe of a hostel in town, journaling about the past year - my learnings, and what I wanted to bring into the next, when I had one of those moments that taught me to expect the unexpected. Being only few days post-breakup and in the depths of my feelings, meeting someone was the last thing on my mind. But that’s the funny thing - you can never really control when you meet someone, can you?

In through the door, as I was journaling, walked a cute guy, Yvan. We were introduced and hit it off pretty much right away, talking about all things surfing, Dulan, Taiwan, life, travel, and love.

I stayed in Dulan for 3 weeks, and throughout these weeks, we became fast friends. I really appreciated the friendship. After splitting up with Max, to have someone to be close with who was so open about sharing their life, thoughts, feelings, and experiences, it felt good.

With my recent breakup, I wasn’t ready for anything new yet, and so while we remained friends for the month, you could tell there was something there, unspoken. Finally after some time, I started planning my time after Taiwan, to finish my travels in the Philippines. I had wanted to go to Siargao, a place that many people had told me was their favorite of Southeast Asia. I was thinking to go for a couple months, take some time to sort out my life, and then maybe, finally, return home. Around the same time, Yvan also wanted to take a trip, and figured why not the Philippines. I also figured, why not?

So after a month of friendship, we went to the Philippines together, and there, the unspoken finally became the spoken. We decided on La Union, another surf spot of the Philippines, to avoid the crowds and rainy season of Siargao. But sadly, as fast as it started, it also ended. It became quickly apparent we weren’t compatible. His over-independence and avoidant tendencies didn’t match well with my need for love and intimacy. And even though he owed me nothing, I took us not working out quite hard. Looking back, this was the first instance of the year, where I attached too strongly to something that was never mine to hold onto, where my too tightly held expectations led to hurt and disappointment.

After three weeks, he left the Philippines to return back to Taiwan. It was a difficult moment for me and I wanted to take my time to process again. I felt so fortunate then, to be surrounded by good people that reminded me of my worth.

And part 2 of expecting the unexpected.

A couple days later, I joined my fellow hostelmates for a night out. Again, I was looking for and expected nothing, but soon sensed the interest from a friend of a friend. I felt like it was too soon again, and I began by dodging his initial attempts. As the night progressed, friends convinced me that if I wanted to, I should just do it. That it would be good for me to get out of my own head, let myself live, and not let someone make me question my worth.

And so this is the story of Kevin, a half-Swiss, half-Filipino guy that ended up being yet another lesson in loosening my grip in expectations and not attaching so strongly.

Things with Kevin began light, easy, and fun. So much so. Though I still felt conflicted as I processed the Yvan situation, he was incredibly sweet and affectionate and we had such a good time together, that I decided to just enjoy the time. He invited me to everything – to his family festivities, to surf, to go out, to eat, to take day trips. Even though I wasn’t really sure how I felt, after how difficult things were with Yvan, I was just appreciating the easiness of everything. I was also so grateful and happy to spend time with his family and get a deeper glimpse into local life, something really important to me when traveling.

Then, during the second week, he went from being very sweet and inviting, to suddenly distant, and honestly, it hurt. I felt like I wasn’t ready to handle yet another bout of what felt like rejection again.

Finally when I asked what happened, it turns out it was a misunderstanding each other’s intentions and lack of communication. He was worried I was becoming attached, while I was just having fun, and wanted to distance himself because of it. I said that I wished he would have communicated with me if something was on his mind. And that’s something I’ve come back to time and time again over the years – that people just need to learn how to communicate. I’ve learned how strongly it’s a fundamental need of mine – the need for open, honest, and direct communication, even when something is hard; especially when something is hard. Too often, our sources of conflict and misunderstanding, are due to a lack of or poor communication, and it’s something as adults we need to be intentional about working on.

And so after these two weeks with Kevin, I felt like it was finally time to move on, to say goodbye to La Union. I felt bittersweet about the goodbye with Kevin. Grateful to have met him, to have someone show me so much affection, to have such a fun and easy time, and to have been invited into his family. Yet, also hurt by the sudden change in behavior and lack of communication. It took me actually some time to get over this, despite only spending a couple weeks with him. In hindsight, I’ve realized that it was yet another example of how I held onto expectations of someone, that I really had no business holding onto expectations of.

Like Yvan, he didn’t owe me anything. I only knew him for a couple weeks. And so why did I expect so much from both these guys? It was the start of a year-long series of lessons, that would eventually lead me to learn that my over-attachment and expectations of things and people out of my control, was my own recipe for disaster. It was only leading me to feel unnecessarily hurt and disappointed.

So after Kevin, I decided to swear off boys, at least for a while. To truly take the time for myself. So, I set a hard rule for 1 month boy-free. In this month, I traveled through the islands of Palawan and Siquijor in the Philippines, and focused on just enjoying my friendships and time for myself. Eventually after a month, I finally reached a state where I felt relatively okay on my own.

Though I was feeling better, I noticed that I wasn’t the same as before. My previous positive disposition and openness towards life, love, and new experiences, had become somewhat closed and melancholic. For the first time in 1.5 years of travels, I felt like I wasn’t happy doing what I was doing anymore, and that maybe it was time to go home.

I said I was going to make it to Siargao, give it 1 or 2 months there to sort out my life, and then probably go back.

And in another lesson of expecting the unexpected, I ended up living in Siargao for over half the year, and continuing my travels to now as a I write, almost exactly one year later.

April - August 2025: An unexpected, deep love story that brought me to live in the Philippines for 6 months

After 2 months of traveling through the Philippines, I finally made it to Siargao, the place I had intended to go in the first place. With how much everyone told me I’d love it, I was really expecting and hoping to. I planned to spend 1-2 months there, finally settling down and taking the time to figure out my life.

I started in General Luna, the main town in the south of the island. But after one week, as much as I tried to love it, I just didn’t. It was crowded, busy, full of hipster bars, restaurants, and tourists, and just not really my scene. I started feeling a little uneasy, not really having a plan beyond Siargao. If I didn’t love it, I didn’t know what I would do.

So after a week, I decided to take a little trip up north, an area known to be quieter. I wanted to stay in Pacifico, what most people think of as the main town of the north. But when my last minute planning led to the only hostel in town being fully booked, I decided to give the only other hostel in the north with availability, a try. It was a seemingly random place with only 1 Hostelworld review, that didn’t yet exist on Google Maps, and was even further up north in a part of the island I had never heard of before. But I decided you know what, fuck it. I’m a bit of a lover of the unknown – you know, those times when you have no idea what to expect and just kind of fuck around and find out. Either you’ll discover something great, or if not, you can leave. I figured there was nothing to lose and I was up for finding out.

It turned out, that ending up at that random hostel in the far north of Siargao, would completely change the direction of my life that year.

I fell in love with north Siargao at first sight. I arrived on Easter Day around sunset. With no Google Maps location, I drove to around where it appeared to be on Hostelworld. There was no sign posted anywhere, only children playing around. I asked someone if this was the hostel and they said “Yes, you can go check in with that guy over there!” pointing at this blonde German guy, who would eventually become the plot point to this story.

It turned out I arrived in the middle of an Easter celebration they were putting on for the neighborhood kids. It was a completely sweet moment to witness. The German guy turned out to be the owner of the hostel, and he explained to me the concept of it – that they just opened a couple months ago and wanted to create a space where travelers could immerse with the local community. Not have yet another surf hostel where foreigners came and went, without any real connection to locals. I felt my skin tingle. It was exactly my kind of place. I immediately felt the kindness in his heart and the beauty that he saw – I felt an instant, deep heart connection.

I told him I was looking for somewhere to stay for a while, and that perhaps I could stay and volunteer there. He was equally keen.

The next day, we spoke about things I could work on: connecting with NGO’s and locals to bring travelers experiences within the local community, setting up much needed operational work (such as getting them on Google Maps!), and more. I loved it. With an operations background and a dream of opening up my own accommodation, helping setup a hostel whose values aligned with my own, it was the perfect opportunity.

I texted a friend of mine about how I found a place I loved in the north and decided to spend a couple months there. He said wow, that’s a big and quick decision, to which I replied, “You know, when you know, you know”. And somehow, I just knew. I had this strong, good feeling about that place and the people there.

It was an embodiment of everything I wanted: an accommodation somewhere peaceful, surrounded by beautiful nature, building a good community, and connecting with locals. Doing something meaningful to me, with good people that shared the same mission. I was indescribably happy to be there, feeling like I had found the right place at the right time.

Beyond being delighted to be in that environment, doing that work, at that time, what I felt as an immediate connection with the German owner, also evolved into what would become a meaningful love story. It was maybe the fastest and deepest I’d ever felt for someone before. I felt like I felt his soul, felt what he felt. I found him a beautiful person – open, vulnerable, kind, caring, and seeing the beauty in life.

I do a lot of crazy things in life, but this connection led me to do one of the craziest, even for me. A week after meeting him, he came into an unexpected $9,000 expense that he needed to pay that week and didn’t have the money for. After discussing in depth, he asked how I would feel about possibly loaning him the money. But before he even asked, I already had it in mind to offer. I just had a good feeling, like I could really trust him. And so I did it.

A week later, he moved into his new place, actually the place he needed the $9,000 loan for, and asked if I would move in with him. Every part of me wanted to, but I was also worried it was too fast. I just met the guy a couple weeks ago and now I’m moving in? But for better or for worse, I’m usually one for going with my heart over my head. And in this case I was no different. I went my heart and I moved in.

The first couple months were nothing short of paradise. There were moments I thought to myself, “I don’t think it gets any better than this.” The way I spoke about him to my friends, they said they’d never heard me talk about someone like that before. I thought that maybe this could really be the one.

We connected quickly and deeply. I felt an inexplicabe safety with him. Like I could let the truest, most raw and difficult parts of myself show. I felt a spiritual connection in a way I’d never felt with someone before. Like we understood, saw, and felt each other’s souls and purpose for being on this planet.

Speaking about religion one day, he said “God is love”. It’s a statement that deeply resonated with me and perhaps is one of the moments that made me start to fall in love with him. It was a deep, spiritual, and emotional connection, that I had never felt with someone before.

Not only did I feel things deeply with him, we lived day to day joyfully and easily. We embraced the joy and simplicity of island life together: we had great surf sessions, sipped coconuts on the side of the road, ate pizza at sunset at Coconut Nut, and just enjoyed life. He quickly became my best friend in that place.

Simultaneously, he faced numerous difficult, personal situations, calling this time one of the hardest times of his life. His best friend on the island and business partner at the time, ended up mistreating him and scamming him, a betrayal he took especially hard. Not about the money, but about the friendship that was lost and misplaced trust in people. His employee for his passion project of creating handmade lamps, went behind his back and stole business from him. And to tie it together, he was followed into the bathroom at a party by local guys looking to pick a fight for simply accidentally dropping in on a wave. It was a series of betrayals and hurt, and I really felt for him through this time.

All that said, seeing how someone copes with stress and handles difficult times, reveals a lot about them. I could see he had a good character, never retaliating or lashing out. But, also never being able to move forward and overcome. Throughout these months, I gave everything I could to love and support him. But over time, his inability to cope pulled him into a cycle of depression that no one could get him out of besides himself. And simultaneously, it led to a lot of stress in our relationship.

He became less and less able to show up as the full version of himself. Snapping at things he shouldn’t have, being reactive, defensive, aggressive, and unable to handle his own emotions. While at first I showed undying patience and empathy, it eventually became too much. Not only were these moments hurtful to me, I started feeling my own energy and mood being dragged down.

I felt like I was losing myself in some moments together. My sense of reality was getting distorted. I felt like I was losing my grip on what was okay and not okay anymore. I tried being open-minded and embracing different ways of seeing things, but realized eventually it wasn’t okay anymore. I was being made to feel crazy, when I wasn’t. And in retrospect, it’s the first time I experienced what it feels like to be gaslit, even if it wasn’t intentional.

We broke up a few times because of these conflicts that we couldn’t seem to resolve, but the strong love that was there, kept making us come back and try. Finally, what at one point felt like the healthiest relationship I had ever been in, started becoming what felt toxic. The cycle of conflict, repair, love, and conflict again. The intense ups and downs. It felt like we weren’t escaping it.

After a few months, it was time for me to go back home to San Diego. I was going to be a groomswoman in one of my best friend's wedding. I was so excited to be back there, in the place I love most, surrounded by the people I love most. I was so looking forward to settling back into my home, my routine, and my calm, normal life again for a bit. A place to decompress, process, and just be, after a year where so much happened.

September - October 2025: Going back to California and coming back to myself again

It wasn’t until I got back home to San Diego, that I realized how burnt out I was from the past year of traveling, and all of the life that had happened. I was completely exhausted. I didn’t do much besides sit on the couch and lay in bed for weeks. I saw friends but couldn’t help but feel like I was forcing myself a bit.

Finally, after about a month, I was slowly starting to get my energy back. Having my own space, in a place I felt so grounded and peaceful in, surrounded by people that I loved, I finally started to feel like myself again.

Around this time, I also started working with an integral coach. What is an integral coach? I asked her the same thing. As she put it, integral coaching is an approach to coaching that takes into account the whole person, both what you’re trying to achieve at the surface, and the root causes and deep layers of who you are as a person that’s led to where you are today.

Working with her for what’s now been over 6 months, has been something I’ve found monumentally helpful. She’s helped me turn my jumble of thoughts and loosely connected, sometimes intangible thoughts, feelings, and desires, into intertwined threads that all weave into a common theme and purpose.

Throughout this time in San Diego, I was finally able to take the time to sit with and come back to myself again. Working with Lauren to reflect what was already there into something more tangible I could grasp, I felt like I found myself and my purpose again. I felt grounded in myself for the first time in a long time.

I’ve noticed that one recurring theme that always fills my heart and helps me feel grounded, is having a good community of people around me. I was so grateful to be back there, around my friends who are truly such good people. It’s one of the biggest factors that bring fulfillment to my life: to surround myself with a good community, to fill my heart with love, and to share that love and goodness back to the world.

The time in San Diego was truly great. It was hard for me to leave, but after a couple months, I was missing my partner back in Siargao and felt like it was finally time to return. I wanted to keep giving that relationship and life in Siargao a shot, but this time, coming from a much more grounded place within myself.

November - December 2025: A devastating break-up to a relationship that taught me a lot

And so I returned back to Siargao happily. I was happy to be back to my life with him, excited to pursue my own purpose and passions and see the island through a different lens this time.

But after 1 month back, our relationship came to an unexpected and devastating end. Though we had made a lot of progress with our communication and becoming more understanding of each other, the relationship erupted in ways I didn’t expect. I found out he had been lying to me about something for months, and with honesty as one of my most important values, it was unforgivable. It was indescribably hard for me, the feeling of betrayal from the person I had trusted most. I sunk to the lowest place I had been in years, it was honestly a scary time for me. I was scared of myself, of the darkness at that point.

I’m someone that always tries to learn – learn, grow, and be better from past experiences. I recalled the last time I had felt this low, a few years ago, and remembered the only thing that made me feel better was reaching out to my best friend. And so I tried to apply the learnings this time around. I called all my closest friends. I reached out to those near me in Siargao. I really leaned on my small community of good people, both from afar and in-person. It was a time of my life I was immensely appreciative of those who supported me, especially for those that I hadn’t known for so long. Their support meant more to me than I ever could have possibly expressed.

During this time, a couple friends from Siargao invited me to join them on their trip to Thailand. To get me out of this small place that I desperately needed to get out of. And to have some company over the holidays. I truly couldn’t have been more grateful.

A few months later, one of my friends said that in retrospect, the three of us were all dealing with our own crises that led us to all come together in Thailand. That none of us were in our best shape, or in a stable mindset, to be traveling or to be around others, all in the midst of our own crises. And yet, somehow we were all on the same journey and in the same place, slowly curing ourselves in our own ways, and for some part of it, doing it together. It was a beautiful reflection of this time together. Supporting each other, while trying to save ourselves.

The year ended with the start of a climb to heal from this incredibly difficult breakup. But I had immense gratitude for being where I was, for the people in my life that supported me, for feeling proud of myself for taking the steps to heal.